


The Sea of the Mind is Far Darker than any Ocean

by Fernatticus



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Flashbacks, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Nott Needs a Hug (Critical Role), Nott | Veth Brenatto has PTSD, Platonic Cuddling, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 07:41:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23847622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fernatticus/pseuds/Fernatticus
Summary: Nott almost drowns again and recovers with help.
Relationships: Nott & Caleb Widogast
Comments: 6
Kudos: 75





	The Sea of the Mind is Far Darker than any Ocean

**Author's Note:**

> Hooo boy. Some Nott angst/ptsd because her backstory is ripe for trauma. I love Sam Riegel but his role playing style means we never get canon stuff like this. Also Nott gets hugs because she deserves them goddamnit!

Nott was under water. The darkness and the cold was crushing her small body, but her heart was kicked into hyper gear, and she felt a natural shot of adrenaline enter his body. She tried desperately to look around, find a bank or something. (Don't drown here dumb ass. You were given a second chance at life, don't mess this one up too. Find something. Live for Luc and Yeza)

She had been running with Caleb in the dark. He had warned her too late, and she had slipped and fallen into a crevice.

Her eyes adjusted in the dark, naturally inclined to seeking out light. She realized first that she didn't know which direction was, but she remembered something her father Travys had told her as a child. 'If you are ever drowning, breathe out and watch the bubbles. They will go up, and you can follow them up'. Every instinct in her was begging her not to lose anymore air, but she forced a couple bubbles from her mouth. The bubbles floated to her right, so she angled herself that direction, righting herself. Looking up, she could see the moon above her. For a second, she wondered if Caleb had ran yet. She really hoped he hadn't.

Her lungs were burning now, and her vision was growing blurrier. She had never learned to swim in Felderwin, as wading was sufficient in the river. She ineffectually clawed her way up, her arms numb and locking up from the freezing cold. (Wow, this might be it.) Her panic subsided slightly as her parasympathetic nervous system turned on. That definitely wasn't a good sign. The surface of the water was so far up, and she suddenly realized that she wasn't going to make it out.

If she could have cried underwater, she would have as she inhaled water. It stung so fucking much. (Did it hurt that bad last time? Yes.) She moved her hands from trying to claw her way out from the freezing body of water to her lungs. It didn't matter she had a family. It didn't matter that she was doing her best. She was going to drown and die again, and living as Nott hadn't meant anything. 

She screamed in the water. It hurt and she was going to die. Numbness was replaced with desperation one last time in her body's pathetic last stand and she flailed out. Find something. Anything. (I don't want to die)

In her panicked flailing, something wrapped around her body. Instinctually, she tried to push away, but whatever held her held tight. She breathed in water and her vision went dark completely. Consciousness faded, but she was delirious and light headed. Life felt far away and more like a dream than anything.

She awoke to someone... kissing her? (Yeza?) No... not kissing. The pressure on her lips was replaced by something pressing on her torso repeatedly until she sputtered up water. (Oh hey I'm not dead!)

Her eyes fluttered over as she rolled over, spitting out freezing water. It felt more like vomiting, and left her feeling incredibly shitty. She clutched her arms, shaking madly. She coughed out more water and tried to breathe. A hand landed on her shoulder and began rubbing her shoulder.

"Y-you are okay,little one... just try to breathe," A familiar voice told her softly, holding a surprising amount of fear. She wanted to look at him, to thank him for saving her, but she couldn't move. Her entire body was freezing. He must of noticed this, because his hands moved his hands to his arms and started rubbing them in an attempt to warm her up. She needed to speak, to tell him she needed to dry off and get warm, but the words couldn't come. Her mind kept flashing back to an all to familiar situation, where she drowned and came back. But nobody had cared for her after. She had been beaten and spit at. She had wanted so desperately to find her family and make sure they were okay.

"Uhm- Nott... we need to go. Can you walk or..." That's when Nott started sobbing. Her body which had already been shaking was now just convulsing. She couldn't speak or breathe or formulate a plan. She was so cold and hurt and (The larger goblin holds my head under the water and I scream and thrash they won't let me up I'm drowning. I'm only 23. I have a child. I want to live. I want to see my family again. I want to breathe.)

The hands which were rubbing her arms recoiled which made her cry harder. She was so cold and it had been a little comfort, but obviously Caleb didn't know what to do in this situation, like Nott didn't know what to do when he froze up near fire. They had been together a few months, and in that time Nott had never cried in front of him. She knew he was awkward and wouldn't know what to do, and her suspicions were confirmed when he awkwardly petted her head.

Nott had been sitting up right, but slumped down, all her movement being controlled by her sobs. Her lungs burned, an after effect she hadn't gotten to experience last time. Last time had been so horrible. She had no idea they'd bring her back (a fate far more cruel than death) so she had thought that had been the end. It should have been. She was lucky, and oh so cursed to be here, alone. Part of her even wondered how much Yeza would mind if she came home. (He would hate you. You look like a monster. You are a monster.) It would be insane to go home. Of course it was. She couldn't have her old life until she found a seemingly impossible solution to a problem she didn't even know the specifications of. 

She was partially snapped out of her stupor when she felt arms scoop her up. She couldn't meet his gaze, (They took me to the river, and they drowned me in it) but didn't fight back. She wasn't strong enough to do so anyway. They walked for a while and eventually Nott felt herself being set on a log, the warmth of his chest removed. The tears had stopped, but her heart was still beating just as quickly. She wrapped her arms around herself and stared at the ground as Caleb set up a fire. During the process, she watched as Frumpkin poked into the frame, his eyes locked onto her. He cocked his head to the side and meowed. (I was so alone. I wanted to see Yeza so much.) This was clearly Caleb checking on her and it was quite sweet. She opened her mouth to speak, but the words didn't come. 

She decided not to push herself anymore, as it didn't seem to be working. She stopped trying to speak and tried just to calm down and steady her breathing. She didn't calm much more, but was no longer hypervenelating. (I died 15 minutes away from my home. ) She could tell by the glow on the ground she was staring at that the fire had been built, and she watched as Caleb started walking over to her, hesitated, and then walked the rest of the way over to her before crouching down slowly. (I can still feel the water entering my lungs. The last thing I remember as Veth is water.)

"Nott, can you speak?" He asked softly. It seemed in the time he had to build the fire he had learned how to deal with someone going through an... episode. She felt guilty making him doing this, but she needed help.

She didn't try to raise her head, she simply shook her head in denial. 

"We need to get you out of the wet clothing. Can I touch you?" He asked patiently.

Nott nodded yes (I begged for them to let me up, but they wouldn't let me.) and he slowly removed her outer clothes, helping her raise her arms up. 

"Do you want to move to the fire?" He asked, folding her wet clothing and draping them over his arm.

She nodded.

"Do you want help?" 

She nodded. He helped her stand, and escorted her over to the fire. She sat down next to it and for the first time she managed to look up at Caleb (his eyes look so much like Luc's) and his eyes met hers. He looked so concerned and soft and she wanted so badly to thank him and tell him something. She opened her mouth and willed herself to say something. It took a minute, but Caleb waited patiently. 

"Thank you." The words came out as the softest whisper and even in the absolute silence surrounding them it was hard to pick out. Caleb looked a bit taken a back and she could have sworn he was blushing. He regained his composure and gave her a friendly smile she was incapable of reciprocating. She was really proud of herself for speaking, despite the fact that each vowel quivered.

"Of course. I'm going to go set our clothes out to dry. I'll be right back. I'm leaving Frumpkin with you," He told her. She wasn't sure why he was spelling everything out, but the sound of his voice was distracting from her traitorous thoughts.

She stared into the fire, making a poor attempt to silence her thoughts. She willed herself to think of good times. She thought about when the first date Veth and Yeza went on. It was barely a date, they had just snuck into a barn and talked by a candle which in hindsight should not have been so near the manure. They had talked for hours before realizing they were out past curfew. Yeza had quickly kissed her on the nose, totally red, before sprinting home, waving over his shoulder as Veth ran home. She had been so happy and warm. She moved closer to the fire in an attempt to get warmer.

Soon the happy thoughts turned sour. She remembered kissing him (one last time) before turning to the goblins and screaming halfling obscenities and waving her arms as Yeza ran with a shocked Luc in his arms. She remembered the moment their eyes locked onto her and her death sentence was signed. She was never going to see him again. (I'm never going to see the man I love again. I'm never going to see my son again.)

"Nott?" (my name's Veth.) Caleb's concerned voice broke her out of her sprial. He sounded urgent. She didn't turn to look at him. She felt two hands under her arms gently move her backwards away from the fire. It wasn't until then that she realized how closely she had been to the fire. 

"Please don't sit so close. You might get lit by an ember," He sighed. (I could have drowned again and it wouldn't have mattered that I came back the first time.) She wondered if she actually could get set on fire due to how wet she was. Caleb could probably burn her (he could destroy this body. He could kill me.) if he wanted. Minutes passed of Caleb setting up camp, and Nott just stared into the fire blankly, trying to burn away the water. (evaporation is the word.)

Caleb sat next to her and tried to look into her eyes. "Do you think you can eat, friend?"

Nott shook her head. She didn't want to eat anything and she didn't want to drink unless it was-

She reached into her pocket and retrieved her flask. Caleb looked a bit disappointed, but didn't leave. Nott took a deep swig and internally smiled as the familiar warmth she had become accustomed to since leaving the clan spread across her face. She let her eyes relax a bit, as the panic in her body had burned away to a dull numbness. She put the flask away and set her chin on her knees, wrapping her arms around her legs (Not my chin, not my legs. This isn't my body. This isn't the body that fell in love with an adorable nerd and got married at 19. This isn't the body that gave birth to my son.)

"Can I help you get ready for bed?" Caleb asked after a while longer. She didn't want to go to bed. She was almost guaranteed to have a nightmare and she couldn't handle that. She was exhausted, but she was scared. Without thinking she spoke.

"I don't want to be alone," She croaked. It was so faint she wondered if he could hear her, but based on the reaction from Caleb, he had. She looked up to him, feeling just venerable as she looked. The look on his face was a mix of pity, empathy and guilty. 

"Can I touch you?" He asked. She nodded. 

He gently pulled her into his lap and wrapped his arms around her. He was a lot warmer than she was. She didn't have the energy to hug back, but she softly nestled into his chest. His grip on her was firm and grounding and for a second she forgot why she felt the way she did.

"I am not going to leave you. I am very sorry you are scared. I won't leave you. I promise." The sincerity in his voice was only amplified by it breaking. He knew what she was going through and he seemed to care about her happiness more than his. "You can sleep. I'll be here."

Nott simply nodded, keeping her mind on the warm man holding her small body and stroking her hair. With this reassurance, she snuggled into him more and shutting her eyes. She felt something warm drape over her, trapping her in with much needed heat. Caleb rubbed comforting circles into her back, murmuring reassurance to her until she fell asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> man the title of this work is really stupid and pretentious I just couldn't come up with anything better.


End file.
